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Your Emails March 2015

Hi, i am getting married next month and I would like to know whether I should use condoms on the first night after our wedding. As I would like to avoid my wife having a pregnancy so soon. Is there anything else I can use if it will reduce pleasure for me? Secondly, I used to masturbate, if I continue after I get married, will it effect my sex-timings, and if so,how could I increase my sex-timings? Please thank you so much.

Giles the sex therapist
Sent by Giles Dee-Shapland
6 March 15:50
Hello, Thank you for contacting Giles the Sex-therapist, I advise you to discuss using condoms and other types of birth control with your wife once you have got married. It is all depending whether you both would like children so soon. I am a firm believer that if you have sex unprotected that you are both open to the idea you might become parents quite soon. In the meantime, I recommend you masturbate in the time between now and your wedding to get an idea if you like the sensation through the latex. Some men do find that the sensation is slightly different when wearing a condom and can tolerate it or dislike it completely. After all, birth control is a mutual responsibility, therefore, your wife, she too could apply protection i.e. using a coil or femidom (female condom). There is also the after-pill, which your wife might take the morning after sexual intercourse. If both partners discuss and decide they do not want children, some men undergo surgery and have an operation to cut the tubes between your scrotum and penis. This will stop sperm from being ejaculated. Some women choose a hysterectomy but again, these things all require discussing. No person, partner included should tell the other partner to have any birth control, it is a mutual decision for you both to make. I hope that helps, if you have any other question, please get in touch. I would like to wish you both well for your new life together.

Regarding masturbation, men who do masturbate before sex will affect sex-timings, It usually takes 30 minutes for a man to recuperate after sex with an orgasm and ejaculation. Although, masturbation as a form of mutual foreplay is very good for intimacy, as it helps partners to examine each others sexual organs and how they respond to touch by another person. Foreplay is to build up sexual tension spiritually, mindfully, as well as physiologically and also between each partner at it is an excellent way of heightening to the point of climax. This teaches the partner to learn to read each others sexual bodies so they know when to stop stimulating them. If you misread your partners body, do not worry, enjoy it, but you can always practice to make sex better the next time. Regards Giles


hi giles, i broke up with my gf for more than a year now but she decide to
visit me in the UK where im living temporarily. For 7 consecutive days i
couldnt get an erection it was so embarrassing i even felt that my penis
shrank. she tried to be understanding and told me its not an issue for her
but i felt so bad and currently im very depressed and afraid of what i might
do next

Hello fan, Happy New Year. I am sorry to learn you are experiencing erection problems. There are a few reasons why this could be happening. It could be due to you experiencing a confusion of why is it that your ex girlfriend would wish to have sex now, a year after breaking up. Sometimes men have sex and do not always know how it might affect them emotionally, and this can cause issues in sexual arousal and performance. If you have spoken with your GP they can with medicine detect whether the reasons you are unable to obtain or maintain an erection could be due to a physiological reason. If it is down to anxiety, confusion,or stress that relates to a psychological reason, you will need to seek out a psychotherapist or similar to treat you for this. As for your penis shrinking, this is unlikely unless you are of an Asian
ethnicity, there is a condition where the penis retracts into the abdomen. If this is the case, you will need to see your doctor urgently. The penis shrinking can be perceived, and for this, it would need to be treated as a psychology. I hope this helps and I wish you good fortune for 2015.

Regards Giles the Sex-therapist

Hypnotic Sex

Hypnotic Sex

Hypnotic Sex - SimplySxy

Hypnosis was brought into the forefront of scientists and societies’ minds when the Austrian born Sigmund Freud, 1836-1939 explored psychoanalytical psychology. Similar to me, Freud had worked with sex and the unconscious for much of his professional life. I have a great deal of respect for Freud and his theories as he is very much misunderstood among the psychological fraternity and society. 21st century psychological mind-sets forget Freud was born over 100 years ago but his theories were very much beyond his years. He had a troubled childhood, a domineering mother and an emotionally absent father when he was in the household. I believe he most possibly was bisexual in his own sexual orientation but bisexualism and homosexualism was not spoken about when Freud would be exploring his sexuality as an adolescent. Again a similarity to me, Freud explored the psychological aspects of sex and the unconscious to understand his sexuality and sexual practices. It was in fact what got me interested in training and working as a sex therapist and trauma therapist.

Society today, has a lot to thank Freud for as he was the first individual to name aspects of the human unconscious. Some theorists will take Freud’s theories with ‘a pinch of salt’, this is fine as I believe Freud laid his theories on the table and subsequently, we as educated people or society could pick up his ideas, think about them be it strongly and accept it, or, dispose of them and forget them, do with it what we will. The important consideration is he offered us that option by laying his ideas on the table for us to explore them critically. If they are not thought of, or, thought about, there is nothing to consider, we have Freud and his great mind to thank. Without him, we may be in a different place altogether with psychology and may not even have names for the aspects of the unconscious.

‘Hypnosis’ derives from the Greek word, ‘hypnos’ which translates as a word for sleep. It is widely known; sleep is behaviour and is a natural function for animal or human to recover energy resources to continue living and functioning. Additionally, whilst under the behaviour of clinical sleep, clinical hypnotists can make suggestions to a patient to positively recall, or, reframe experiences. Such experiences could possibly be sexual, for instance, to improve, or, replace beliefs and perceptions of painful sex, difficult sexual experiences, sexual dysfunctions and enhancing orgasms. My work entails patients requesting knowledge and confidence in sexual performance, rape recovery, and sexual abuse. Although, my media work is more about how men can improve their sex lives. In western society, there appears plenty of evidence for women to explore their sexual identity, sexual practices and sexual behaviour. Whereas, for men, there is limited evidence, which is what motivated me to hold up the banner for men. Therefore, I analysis sexual behaviour for men, that is men who have sexual experiences with other men, be they, gay, bisexual, straight, or, straight curious. Interestingly, there seems to be an increase in heterosexual men reverting back to ancient Greek sexual philosophy where they enjoy sexual intimacy of another man.

I have experience in men requesting how they can gain multiple orgasms through hypnotic suggestion and perception to heighten their sexual climax. This is done by themselves or, with their partner by learning self-hypnosis techniques and then recalling the best orgasm to date. By this amplification of the sensations felt while mutually masturbating is made stronger. Although, it is wise to speak with a medical doctor to make sure your heart is in good order as it is known that people can experience heart attacks whilst enjoying sex.

There are people who enjoy sexual fetishes of being hypnotised for sexual pleasure; this I must admit is usually men. I have noticed an increase of men around the world who inquire about learning skills of self-hypnosis for shrinking (this is where the hypnotee perceives they have shrunk to maybe the size of an inch). The ideology of this is that the smaller they shrink too, the more sexual pleasure they experience through self or mutual masturbation until they reach sexual climax. The psychology of this is that one partner enjoys being dominated within a sexual experience. A lot of men like to be shrunk (be submissive) so they can perceive themselves being held by their female (dominant) partners. Whilst, on a physical level, the woman would not necessarily experience sexual stimulation herself for the shrinking of her partner, whereas she might on a psychological level due to feeling very powerful. The woman may also masturbate due to enjoying the process of her partner losing power and she gaining his. Although on a psychological level, sexual power and equality is an interesting topic in its own right and does beg the question, whether sexual power is perceived, or, actual.


Dear Giles the Sex Therapist,
My name is Liam and I am a 21 year old guy who has been experiencing premature ejaculation for about a year and a half. It is really beginning to affect my relationship with my girlfriend as she is stressed, frustrated and anxious. Naturally when we start to become intimate I feel alot of pressure and also feel the same things as her then I cum quicker than I wish. I have had alot of problems in my life, anger, stress and anxiety are just a few that I am seeing a psychotherapist regularly for but she doesn't work in sex therapy. So I thought it was best I speak to someone who does and could give me some pointers.
Thank you, Liam
Liam, 21, Cornwall, UK
Dear Liam,
Thank you for contacting Giles the Sex Therapist, I can appreciate how difficult and debilitating it is to speak out about this condition, so welldone for doing so. Premature Ejaculation (PE) is a very common condition in younger men the average time range between starting stimulation and ejaculation is roughly 7.3 minutes and those with this condition is 1.8 minutes. The condition can either be caused by a physical health condition or psychological health. It is always wise to contact your GP to assertain which one it could be and he/she can make the appropriate referral to a Counsellor or Psychotherapist who specialises or is happy to treat a man with this condition. (PE) can wreck lives, marriages and relationships as it affects men and their masculinity. (PE) may deeply affect your confidence, self-esteem and sexual performance, which in turn, will influence challenging relationship dynamics with you and your girlfriend.
There are various techniques that can assist you in over-coming (PE) and that is (1) masturbating (wanking, jacking) before sexual intercourse and then try intercourse soon after as it takes time for the testicles to re-produce sperm and the prostate, seminal fluid. (2) The pinching techniques, which is when you feel inside you are close to ejaculating, pinch the shaft just beneath the gland (head) and wait for a few minutes and then re-stimulate. (3) Aversion is another techniques, where you could sensually massage, relax and de-stress and not think about your sexual performance. I sense the difficulty is that you are beginning to stress about stressing (Metta-Emotion). By letting your anxiety go, the chances are you will improve your sexual performance. This is good for your girlfriend to know as well as she, without realising her stress and anxiety is fuelling your anxiety and pressure which is a self-fullfilling prophesy (setting you up to fail). So summing up, let your stress go and enjoy your intimate time with your girlfriend. If the techniques I have mentioned are not quite enough to manage your (PE), please get in touch again and we can discuss psychotherapy and analyse your anxiety, stress history.
Thank you again
Giles the Sex Therapist
From 'Teenager'
from alt three time i masturbated and gets the most fab orgasm but the
problem is i felt the orgasm but i dint squirt any thing , i happened thrice
and since then i dint masturbate, also i have little pain in my testicles u
can say mild sweet pain but my concern is that why i dint cum ? please help

Dear 'Teenager',
Thank you for contacting Giles the Sex Therapist. I appreciate how worrying it can be when you are trying to make sense of your body in the stages of puberty and thereafter. Firstly I am pleased you have a healthy masturbation behaviour, it is a perfect way to explore your body and get to appreciate what is normal or usual in the way your body functions. However, in answer to your concern a dry ejaculation or a dry orgasm in which it is better named is something alot of young men experience, especially in early puberty aged 12-13. It is when a man young or older reaches climax but doesn't achieve the orgasm, it can take place in quite a few young men especially if they have attempted to masturbate a couple of times i.e. between 2, and 6 times, the orgasm orgasm becomes dry because they have drained their quota of seminal fluid, which when the testicles have chance to restock an orgasm can be achieved once more. Although, if you were an older man, I would instantly question if you have recieved prostate treatment as that would cause infertility and a lack of orgasm. Additionally, a few factors that can affect ejaculation: medication for depression, moods and high blood pressure or recreational drugs can affect your producing of semen, squeezing your penis tightly when you masturbate but once you climax it can dribble out eventually, a blocked sperm duct, a seminal vesicle obstruction, a back injury or an abnormality of your reproductive system from birth.
Without alarming you, there is a condition that men can experience is called a Retrograde ejaculation which is when the seminal fluid does not flow out the end of your penis but instead escapes into your urinary bladder. in regards to the pain in your testicles, this could be testicular torsion, which is when the tubes inside twist and often occurs with young men under 30 but predominantly with young men between the ages of 12 and 18. however, a trip to hospital would sort it out. Naturally, I do not know your personal health history, I therefore recommend you make an appointment with your GP or family doctor or hospital and explain the symptoms. I hope this has helped and if I can assist further please dont hesitate in contacting me again.
Kind regards
(Giles the Sex Therapist)


Dear Giles, i need your help to save my marriage. i am 29 years old, married
for 2 years now with an 8monts old baby boy. My problem is that i have
bruises after sex every time. and the bruises becomes a sour when i have sex
within that time...so i avoid sex until the bruises are healed, then the
circle begins..... i have visited the hospital and treated all that
diagnosis but the circle of pain and bruises after just one round of sex
continues....my husband also gets bruised on his manhood...please what is
our problem...this problem is making me loosee interest in sex...please
help. i was told that i had a problem with lubrication...could that be true?
if it is...what can i do to help myself and enjoy sex? thanks so much for
responding. God bless you


Dear Juliana,

Thank you for contacting Giles the Sex Therapist. I am sorry you have got upset and emotional concerning getting bruised and soar with sex. This can happen especially if sex is rough. The causes of soars and bruises around the genital area can be due to your partner having a large penis and him entering you with strength, rather than easing himself inside of you. Other reasons maybe that your vagina could be tight. There are numerous positions to choose from, so I urge you to explore each other in a more gentle fashion and as the hospital suggested, try using lubrication like KY Jelly. If you still have concerns, try contacting your DR or GUM clinic, (sexual health clinic) as you may have physical reasons that are contributing to sexual discomfort.

Kind regards


(Giles the Sex Therapist)


Hey doc i saw your post on facebook saying i can get you here on this email address. So i was hoping that i can get help from you doc. I have a problem about my sex life.. I have got an erection problem. Last time i tryd to have sex it was in april and it didnt work out because of erection how imbarassing.. I think i have a little anxiety or something as i am a student at university and am 18 of age. I would like to have a good time in bed. Am just bit confused at the moment because when i masterbate i get full erection but when kissing i erect but not for putting on a condom. When i try to put on a condom my erection get weak.. Am really confussed need your help ...

Marvin 18, from South Africa

Firstly, I want to thank you for getting in touch as it is huge for anyone to make the first move. By getting in touch you are acknowledging you have a problem. 18 year olds have a great deal of pressure on them these days, usually high sex drives, erections popping up when you least expect them or even want them.

However, the best thing not to do is get over anxious about not performing sexually. You stated when you masturbate you are able to perform, what I would suggest is you allow yourself to build confidance when masturbating and if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend allow them to assist you.

If your erection fails after you masturbate together just as you are preparing for sex, there could be other reasons for not being able to perform. Have you spoken with your GP (General Practitioner)? It is important that you are certain there is no physical reason first. Once you have got the all clear, you know for certain it is definitely anxiety based. Secondly, quite a few guys experience losing an erection just as they prepare for placing on a condom, so I certainly wouldn't over concern yourself in that respect.

Thirdly, speaking to a counsellor or psychotherapist in person is the next stage, this can be costly, I am uncertain if you live in the UK or abroad, I know here NHS counselling is normally free and sometimes charities offer discounted rates. However, it is important you make an appointment. I work with young men like yourself and treat the anxiety aspart of the person and we work on it until it resolves.

I wish you luck and thank you again in contacting me. Giles, Giles the Sex Therapist

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